It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
