finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
