His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Your penis caused this!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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