my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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