...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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