sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
