Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Say something about gay babies.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
