We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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