I think my fart just growled at me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
