my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
