I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
