he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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