If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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