I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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