It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Send help, water and tortillas.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
