Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
