the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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