We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
two words: eviction party
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
