well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
And then my night got REAL pukey
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
