Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
