i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
