When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
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this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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