I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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