I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
