He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
