This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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