Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
