no, he came in my armpit
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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