i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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