Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
