dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
