I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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