Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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