Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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