Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
