In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
