No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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