It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
