Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
