Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
