So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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