Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
