Apparently you make a good broom.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
