I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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