Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
