I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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