We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
