I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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