I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
where does the pee come out of this thing
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
