Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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