does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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