If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How naked do you want me to be?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
