Have you finally orgasmed yet?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
