Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
