I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
your like the ambassador to my penis.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
