Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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