Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
