sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
